The following is a survey we give to drivers with their
windows down when we meet up with them
at red lights:

Do You Use Your Car to Compensate for an Inadequate Sex-Life?
Have you ever heard the phrase "He drives such a nice car; I wonder what he's compensating for?"  Less fancy cars may mean less of a compensation, but they're still often a compensation nonetheless.  Many historians have noted the connection between America's puritanical origins and how the country leads the world in car usage.  This compensation phenomenon has become so prevalent lately it has captured the attention of psychiatrists, who refer to it as Self-Opposing Sexual Automobile Delusional Syndrome.  To see if you have SO SADS, take the following test:
1) I sometimes talk about cars with my friends and love interests: 
 True False 
2) I wash my car when it gets dirty, and I like having it buffed and waxed: 
 True False 
3) Inserting a pump into my gas tank and "filling 'er up" gives me a sense of satisfaction: 
 True False 
4) I'd rather be seen in a top of the line Mercedes than a Chevy Chevette: 
 True False 
5) I feel free to use the horn whenever I want to capture someone's attention. 
 True False 
6) I prefer driving to walking, cycling or using public transit. 
 True False 
7) I'd be willing to shell out thousands of dollars just for a car. 
 True False 
 Add up your number of True responses:  

0: You're healthy.  
1-2: No cause for alarm, but it couldn't hurt to re-examine some of your beliefs.  
3-4: You have SO SADS.  Stop watching car commercials immediately.  
5-7: You have an acute case.  Inquire at local hospitals about brain transplant surgery.  

This flyer is part of the Critical Masscelebration of the bicycle.  We ride every last Friday of the month to protest our society's obsession with the personal automobile.  Yes, it is more fun than being stuck up in a car, and it is faster.  If you would like more information about Critical Mass e-mail spam@ --->  

(This flyer is stolen from the Philadelphia Critical Mass Web Site which was a beautiful thing but now no longer exists. It was at

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